Today, for just a moment, as I watched the chaos unfold around me, for one single minute… I wished I wasn’t a parent.
My pre-parent days flashed before my eyes, and I longed to be able to travel back in time, even if just for a moment, to revel in the peace and quiet. To become again the organized, more in-control “me”.
I heard the first cry at 11:30 pm, and these fitful screams continued every hour (on the hour). Until Mr. B decided that this was clearly a lost cause and got up at 3:00 am (Bless him), and took the zoo downstairs to watch a movie. I obviously fell back into a deep sleep… Because I woke up with a start when my alarm went off at 6:00 am. And, soon after, a blonde-haired cutie asked if I wanted some tea!
Had the nightly reign of terror come to an end?
Nope! As I slowly descended the stairs, I could hear it all too clearly! The chaos continued, each one bickering about something: Daisy, especially, was screaming as if she’d been pinched (by an enormous crab, on her inner thigh – seriously, that’s how loud she was). For some reason, this has been the pattern in our house for the last couple of days. Bickering, screaming, fighting between themselves. I know I am pregnant, but all I want to do is grab a bottle of good Merlot, find a corner to hide in, and drown my misery!
It’s as if my children have disappeared and been replaced with annoying little gnats! Yes… I just said that! Long painful and excruciating days. Bearing in mind that my body has been taken over by Bester #5, my hormones are through the roof, and I am EXHAUSTED! Like I have never felt before. Seriously. A white padded room would be a luxury right now. (No offense intended with that comment – so don’t get your knickers in a knot now.)
And in this “What The Hell Is Going On In My Home” moment. I silently slipped away for just a second. Just a second. That’s not bad? Is it? I am human after all!
Yes, for one brief moment I stepped into an abyss. The dark side of parenting, perhaps. But that was all shattered when a sweet little 2-year-old grabbed my leg and, with that gorgeous little smile of hers said, “morning my mommy”.
Yes, it’s hard, but we do the best we can, and on those dark and exhausting days we just need to remind ourselves that we are indeed GOOD ENOUGH!