The challenge of raising children today is fraught with tension between intention and pretence. Sometimes the answer will just be NO.

There is a constant tug-of-war between doing what you think is right (intention) and doing what you think other parents believe is right (pretension).

It’s a game of “Should I … shouldn’t I?” We carry an invisible burden of guilt because we choose to stand firm in a decision other parents may have disagreed with or considered a little too strict. (They argue that we may be “psychologically” damaging our children by being strict. And I say that carefully because this is another issue I have with today’s iparenting ideology, but that’s for another post.) And the temptation we face is to go along with what others expect of us as parents (pretension), rather than to stick with what we genuinely believe is the right thing (intention).

So today I am going to stick to writing about why I will continue to say ‘NO’ to my children when I, as their parent, believe it is needed! (If you, as a parent, don’t like saying ‘no’ to your children, that is your right as their parent, and you are welcome to keep it) :)

To my beautiful children:

  1. I will say ‘no’ because I love you, and I have been entrusted to raise you in the best possible way I can. If that means you will throw a tantrum because you don’t get your way, then I am more than willing to walk that road with you. It’s for the best. I promise. You won’t understand now, but one day you will come to appreciate it. (Now I sound just like my mother :) I intend to teach you that sometimes the world will answer ‘no’ to your application for a new job, or your request for a raise, or that spot on the team you’ve been pinning your hopes on, or that university application you spent so much energy on – whatever it may be – sometimes the answer will be ‘no’. And no amount of tantrums will change the answer.
  2. I will say ‘no’ because you do not deserve to have every latest toy, technological gadget, or fashionable item of clothing. Contrary to what the world’s advertisers would have us believe, it is a privilege to be given the things we hope for, and a reward to receive the things we have worked for; it is not a right, and we cannot simply demand the things we want and expect to get… I intend to teach you to appreciate all you have, to be aware of and have compassion for the many who have far less than you, and to safeguard you against the culture of entitlement that plagues so much of our society these days.
  3. I will say ‘no’ because I believe in you. I know your capabilities, and I will push you to always strive for the best. For YOUR best, whatever that may be. Rest assured, I will be your biggest cheerleader. So, if I say ‘no’, you can’t quit just because you don’t feel like going to practice (for example). It is because I believe it’s in your best interest to stick to it… Bear with me. The outcome and the achievement will be beautiful, and it will be all yours. I intend to teach you that there are times when commitment trumps convenience – in fact, it always does!
  4. I will say ‘no’ because sometimes you have to learn from your mistakes. Trust me, I know full well what it feels like to have to pull yourself together, realise your mistake, sometimes apologise, and face it head-on. I will not always “bail” you out, not because I don’t love you, but because I do—more than life itself. MI intends to show you that our mistakes need not define us, and that we can always find redemption if we own them and honestly strive to make amends.
  5. I will say no because I want you to be proud of yourself (in a gracious, humble way, of course), knowing that all your achievements are your own, that you are an amazing kid, and that you can do ANYTHING you set your heart on. Yes, you should reach for the stars! I will always help when you “cannot”, but I am very likely to say ‘no’ when it is simply a case of “will not”. I intend to show you that you can always give it a go on your own! You’ve got this!
  6. I will say ‘no’ because it is my job to protect you. I will try not be unreasonable, but this mama bear gets a little ruffled when I think of you being in a dangerous situation. Don’t question me. When you have your own children, we will have this discussion again. When I say ‘no’ to a party, or a sleepover, or a trip, or a date, or a curfew (or anything like that), it is not because I want to spite you. I intend to protect you!
  7. I will say ‘no’ because you do not have to do what your peers do. You don’t have to follow their lead. You are strong enough to make your own decisions by learning to say ‘no’ yourself. And being/doing the same as someone else, to follow the crowd, is a mediocre path to follow anyway. I intend to give you the strength to say ‘no’ to others. When your conscience compels you to say ‘no’, I hope you will have learnt from me how to say it – and thatit’s okay to say it.

Alongside these 7 reasons, I sometimes say ‘no’ because I want you to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, and self-worth. If those are just a few character traits that I can unselfishly help you cultivate, then half my job is done. I will say ‘no’ because you are our greatest gift. The love we have for you reaches higher than the heavens and runs deeper than even the deepest mysteries of the human soul. We will most probably fail many times throughout our journey together, but know this: our NO will become your life-giving YES.

So yes, my dearest children, I will say ‘no’, not once, not twice, but many, many times over.