I started a marriage series a while back, and I thought it was high time to get back to it. Maybe it’s because my husband and I are going on our first weekend away (alone) in what seems like forever. You heard that right. Two nights away from the kids, to celebrate our 15th anniversary. Do you want to know what is at the forefront of my mind? SLEEP! Uninterrupted, no little bodies in the bed, alarm-clock-free, blissful sleep… and morning lie-ins as a bonus :)

OK, time to fess up… this all happened a month ago, I just haven’t had the time to get this post out! #reallife got in the way. But it was all that I had hoped it would be, and when I think back on it, it’s like I can go there again and be present in that moment; so forgive a girl for dreaming a little.

Anyway, I was reminded of our 15th-anniversary weekend of sleep when we took our kids out to lunch today, and a couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary was seated at the table next to us. 50!!! In this day and age, that is just amazing, and it got me thinking: what is their secret?

Here are my thoughts on what it takes to become the kind of spouse worth living with for 50 years!

Communication

The purpose of communication in a relationship is to uplift, not destroy. We are not all natural communicators. Sometimes we have to put in the effort to learn the art. This takes practice and time. For me, communication within a marriage is key to its success. When my husband and I got engaged, we did a marriage prep course. We had a few “tests” to take. These tests revealed the weaknesses and strengths of our relationship. To our surprise, our strongest connection was conflict resolution. It turns out that, according to our tests, we were able to effectively argue our viewpoints, address them, and then forget about them.

On the flip side, a few years ago, a good friend said to my husband and me that we had a very “conflicting” relationship. This stayed with me for a few years. You see, my husband and I are not afraid to speak our minds. Whether in private or public, what you see is what you get. We are individuals with our own viewpoints, and yes, sometimes these viewpoints clash. That’ss not a bad thing. And I learned to embrace it.

Communication between partners needs to flow easily and steadily – like a wide river slowly, but strongly, flowing across the landscape. It cannot be unstable or closed off. This may lead us to live alongside our partners rather than with them. Once the communication withers away, a loss of passion may follow, and with it, love.

So what does good communication within a relationship look like? Good communication is when couples can safely share their deepest, most intimate thoughts and feelings freelyand without fear of judgment, and when they listen to each other with respect and honour each other’s unique perspectives on issues. When they can have robust conversations about problems or difficulties that arise without undermining each other, allowing the discussion to devolve into a blame game… Conflict can be positive and edifying!

In light of all this, I think the key to good communication is vulnerability… And this brings me to my next point.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability is crucial for good communication, specifically and more generally, for a healthy marriage. The ability to become vulnerable is essential to a meaningful and happy relationship. It is when we are willing to expose ourselves emotionally that we are ready to let our loved one into the deepest part of our being. The risk of being vulnerable opens us to speak the truth, to bear our souls in what we believe to be (and what should be) a safe environment.

In our relationships, we need always to be authentic, be ourselves, not afraid of letting the other know who we truly are. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in turn will enable us to experience true love and joy. We do this by being honest about all we feel and experience, without judgment or shame.

On the flip side, when our partner chooses to be vulnerable with us, we need to show true acceptance and understanding—speaking and showing love, even if we are unsure. We alwaysneed to be respectful and kind. To give our emotions time to settle and then deal with the vulnerability that we have so bravely been shown.

When we meet each other at our point of most profound need, genuine acceptance and love are revealed.

Adventure

Moving on from vulnerability, the willingness and ability to be adventurous in a relationship offers a vibrancy of life that little else can. Taking on new opportunities and experiences creates an environment where we are willing to step out of our comfort zones and embrace exploration together. Using our newfound courage to be vulnerable and to communicate honestly and respectfully with each other, we can take the courage to discover new things about our partners, our lives, and the world around us – knowing that we do so with someone who loves us.

We need to open ourselves up to experiences that we might not have even thought of before or considered taboo.

When we try as a couple, it creates an environment that encourages conversation, builds excitement, and leaves room for laughter. We feel refreshed, challenged and satisfied. It throws boredom out the window, the kind of kingdom that caleave usto feeling unsatisfied in our marriages, and flings wide the door to embracing the new, alive to the possibility of countless exciting places waiting to be discovered.

Adventure in a marriage leads to a sense of achievement and togetherness.

Intimacy

Now, intimacy can be looked at in two ways.

Emotional Intimacy – 

In my opinion, emotional intimacy is just as important as physical intimacy!

Emotional intimacy is the enjoyment and exercise of that unique bond (of unfettered communication, courageous vulnerability, and a brave sense of adventure) that you share with your partner on an emotional level. It creates an authentic relationship where you can share everything. It fosters a more profound respect for one another, where you value each other’s opinions and thoughts.

When we engage in genuine emotional intimacy with our partners, we find ourselves becoming more about our ex for the other, because we become more deeply aware of each other’s limitations and more conscious of our need to support the other.

Physical Intimacy –

I believe that mutually satisfying (not to mention mind-blowingly good) physical intimacy goes hand in handwith emotional intimacy. Not in the sense that one leads to the other, but in the sense that they go together… You cannot truly have one without the other.

Physical intimacy requires just as much attention and intention as emotional intimacy. For two reasons (at least): firstly, healthy and satisfying physical intimacy has a positive effect on every other aspect of your relationship. Secondly, it is one of the few aspects of your marriage relationship that is unique to it – in other words, it is one of the few things that you enjoy with no one else except your spouse.

It is an expression of love. The thrill and chemistry you experience build a stronger, more meaningful relationship when tied to other points that have been discussed. The stronger and more satisfying your physical intimacy is “in the bedroom” (so to speak), the stronger your relationship will be “outside the bedroom”. Showing affection and laughing together will become more natural and regular. 

Friendship

Friendship evokes honesty, companionship, intimacy, and respect. People tend to laugh at me when I declare that my husband is my best friend. But, I don’t know how else to say it. He seriously is my best friend. We laugh together, act like idiots together and let me tell you, we can fight like best friends too :)

Just like any relationship, a friendship needs to be nurtured. We cannot allow our busy lives to push our marriages into “work” relationships. Nothing beats coming home to your best friend and sharing the details of your day. Your hurts and fears, successes and joys.

Couples that are friends, genuinely like each other, and look forward to spending time with each other. I believef that by incorporating all these aspects into our marriages we can become the kind of spouses for our partners that they would want to be with for 50 years (and more)… enjoying many, many anniversary weekends of uninterrupted sleep (or at least the kind of sleep where you get to decide what interrupts it ? … It’s an exciting journey, why not enjoy the ride!