The Father-Son Relationship – Growing up without a father meant that, among other things, I always found it difficult to understand and appreciate the dynamics and beauty of a relationship between a father and his child(ren)… That is, until I got married.

It was a strange sight. The love and adoration my kids feel for this man who holds my heart! I still struggle to understand it fully. I never knew it as a child, so it still surprises me a little when I see the unbridled love and affection my kids have for their father. My lack of understanding notwithstanding, it’s a beautiful sight to behold!

Father-Son Relationship

I remember one particular family holiday… We had booked a chalet with a beautiful private swimming pool, and we spent hours cooling off in its waters. My husband was doing backflips into the pool. Kids stood on the side, watching and cheering. I, though, was cringing with each jump, believing I’d be rushing him to the ER in need of stitches. Putting my fears aside, I watched in silence. They were having an absolute ball, laughing from the depths of their bellies, and then, without warning, my second-eldest looked at his father and said, “Pappa (dad), you are my hero!” You read it, YOU ARE MY HERO. That was such a special moment…

It was at that moment that I finally understood what I had missed out on as a child—the pure, unquenchable love of a child for their father. I realised I had tears streaming down my face and quickly turned away to dry my face. Tears of joy, because, even though I had never experienced it as a child, this day I felt that love… as I watched my children and their Pappa.

The relationship between a daughter and her father is a magnificent one, and I will write about that another day. But today I want to write about how I have watched the relationship between my sons and their father grow.

A boy grows up needing his father’s unconditional acceptance. Even though he obviously is, the need to know and hear it never diminishes. My husband still vividly remembers the moments when his dad would tell him he was proud of him, or hug him tightly so that he could feel the strength of his dad’s love. Little boys (and big ones too, mind you) need to know that their fathers accept them and love them unconditionally.

But that is, sometimes, easier said than done. See, moments of backflips into pools, backflips around all that often. Every day ordinary living doesn’t always allow us to laugh and play – and love – in the kind of ways that would cause a little two-year-old to say, “Pappa, you’re my hero.”

Moreover, fathers often have an image of how their sons should grow, and it often finds expression in their words: “Boys do it this way.” And those words tend to be spoken in contexts much plainer than next to a beautiful pool in an idyllic setting.

So… let’s talk about the relationship between a father and his sons in everyday life…

A father leads by how he was taught and what he learned from his father’s lessons. Sometimes they get so excited about teaching their sons what they learned from their fathers that they can no longer hear their sons’ voices. And in those moments, the child feels something other than unconditional love and acceptance. Not intentionally, of course, but sometimes quite subtly, a dad’s desire to pass on a lesson he learnt from his father to his sons causes him to ignore the unique interests of his sons, and this might lead the child to feel that his acceptance is dependent on whether or not he likes what his father likes.

For example, a child who might not want to go fishing but is pressured by his father to enjoy what he did as a child and learned from his dad might begin to feel as though he must go fishing so his dad will accept him and love him. The father grows frustrated and annoyed, sensing his son doesn’t want to fish. Each time this happens, thereis a threat of a rift that could intrude on their relationship.

Fishing might serve as a silly example, but the point remains true… and this is a sad reality.

As fathers, we need to step back and re-examine what we expect from our sons. Because our expectations may just be more of a reflection of what we want, rather than who our sons are. I believe that if fathers would only realise that their sons could become their greatest teachers, the relationship could be full of new growth. If a father were willing to learn from his son that playing piano can be just as much fun as fishing, the relationship would always grow deeper and more meaningful.

A son’s sense of his father’s unconditional acceptance, or lack thereof, will impact every decision he makes. We fail as parents daily, and as I’ve said before, that is OK. We learn, apologise, and try again. Perhaps fathers should grow more comfortable with saying sorry that they made their sons go fishing when all they wanted to do was something entirely different, something more in tune with who the son is than who the father is.

I am so thankful to watch the relationship between my sons and their father unfold. I find true pleasure in watching all three of them grow. Hearing them say that their father is their hero shows me that we are on the right track