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Being A Parent Has Made Me Go Mental – It’s been almost 5 years since I’ve slept through the night… So, if my maths is correct, the equation looks something like this: 5yrs of approx. 3hrs sleep/night (on average) = INSANITY! Feel free to double-check my maths, but I think that formula is pretty solid.

I’VE GONE MENTAL!

SCREAM 1

I thought it best that I share the symptoms since my condition might be highly contagious! Even if you don’t catch my condition, you might catch me, so be on the lookout!

1. You answer in monosyllables. It’s just too much effort to use your words.

2. You’ve put the milk in the closet & the cereal in the fridge (often).

3. 5 Espresso’s, shot after shot, taste really good, so you have another. Caffeine 0 / Mommy 1

4. You could smooth out wood with the “sandpaper” in your eyes.

5. Speaking about Sand, The Sandman didn’t like his mother (that’s my expert view), he has mommy issues, so he won’t visit moms… like EVER! If you’re going to fall asleep, don’t count on him for help, you’re on your own momma…

6. You’ve taken on a “Dory” (Finding Nemo) persona… “Wait. What? There’s a reason I’m standing in the living room with a toothbrush in one hand, car keys in the other, and wearing two different colored socks.”

7. You have the patience and self-control of a Great White Shark… that hasn’t eaten in months.

8. You’ve just been given the lead role in the next Zombie Apocalypse movie, “The Motherhood Avengers!” You’re leading a band of innocents who hide for their lives from little creatures who run around with snotty noses calling out “mommy, mommy, mommy!” Or maybe that was just the dream I had last night…Right now the line between dream, reality, and sleepwalking is a very blurry one!

9. You have mastered a new yoga position – The Standing Sleeper.

10. In every family photo you have the look of a suspect on an FBI “most wanted” poster – and that’s on a good day!

11. You’re so tired you can only lift a Cheerio Box – Whala – It’s a gourmet lunch! Just add milk. It’ll do fine for dinner too! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so why not have it 3 times a day.

12. Your friend says: “I think your mascara is smudged”… And you have to reply: “Nope, I’m not wearing mascara – this is my natural beauty shining through!” – It’s called “Dark Eyes Divine”.

13. You pee with your eyes closed, in prayer, giving thanks for a moment’s silence… KNOCK KNOCK! aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!

14. When it’s four in the afternoon and you suddenly realize you are still in your pj’s, you haven’t brushed your teeth, or your hair and now you need to start dinner! WHERES the WINE!

15.  You put yourself in time out, often. Just to stare at the pretty wallpaper in front of you.

They say it gets better. That your sleep improves… Hmmm, I’d take my chances on a Zombie Apocalypse first!