Sitting here… trying to think of something to write… (cue crickets chirping!) I am at a complete loss for words, without inspiration, I have absolutely no energy, or enthusiasm to put words to paper.
I remember when I started this blog 5 months ago, I promised myself I would always “say it like it is”, be honest with my readers, open myself up and write. Well… As I’ve gotten more into this “blogging thing”, and realized how many people actually read what you write, I’ve found myself closing up. Not wanting to write about how I feel all the time. Embarrassed to have people look at me and remark… “shame, poor Jacqui, she really isn’t coping, is she?”
I remember, when I was still teaching, all I wanted to do was be at home with my kids. It killed me to leave them everyday. Not being able to “raise” them myself. It was my dream to be THAT mom who was always there, at every school function, play, dress rehearsal, reading class, drop off, pick up. ETC, ETC! And I always thought that I was doing my children a grave injustice by not always physically being there.
Now… hell, I would sometimes give my left foot just to get dressed up and feel professional for a bit! To know that I am taken seriously, respected and that I actually have some intellectual value to add to a work-environment! How can I feel this way? I WANTED to be at home, and now I just don’t know if I am “cut” out for it. Am I making my children’s lives a living misery? Am I doing more harm than good?! I’m ranting about my kids? How wrong does that feel? I should be grateful for being able to be at home! But right now, they are driving me NUTS!
This week has been a week from hell! Firstly, I am not feeling well – and that compounds EVERYTHING! My kids seem to be impatient with each other, bickering, fighting and screaming ALL DAY LONG! I have no patience, they have no patience, throw a teething toddler into the mix, a preschooler that is refusing to go to ballet, eat her food, sleep on her own, an increasingly full diary (it should be summer with NO plans), and you have a witch of a mother on your hands!
And you know what, all I want to do is scream!
THIS IS FREAKING HARD SOMETIMES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the next time you see me, give me a thumbs up, smile and pretend you NEVER read this… I’m sure next week will go better.. RIGHT?