You finally get a moment to look down and see this beautiful little face in front of you. Two closed eyes, a cute little nose and full pink lips. Wow, it takes your breath away. Absolute perfection.
Even sleepless nights can’t burst this bubble of pure bliss. Whether it’s no 1 or 5, the euphoria of moments like these cannot be dimmed. And that is good, that is how it should be. A moment never to be missed.
And then reality smacks you right in the face (just in case you got lost in that little moment of bliss). And when I say, “reality smacks you in the face” I mean a plastic lion gets flung across the living room, by a jumping jack, and it was meant to connect with his brother’s head, but crashed into the lamp instead. The baby is screaming, because she is teething, and refusing to sleep. The 3 year old is covering your carpet it Disney Princess nail varnish…
You are wakened from that short moment of reminiscing about the days when all “seemed” calm and “easy” and you look straight into a World War #3 of epic domestic proportions.
You haven’t packed away the laundry, there are dirty dishes in the sink, and remnants of this morning’s breakfast all over the carpet… Oh wait… The beds have not been made, you’ve not showered, cleaned your teeth or brushed your hair and put on make-up, you’re still in your pj’s. It seems as if the screaming hasn’t stopped in days. Exhaustion is taking over every fibre of your being. You just spent the night on the couch because Little Miss Independent almost woke the whole house with a tantrum at midnight, and you decided it’s best to sleep downstairs. There might even be a slight “crick” in your neck…
Where did it all go wrong? You ask yourself. How on earth did I find myself here? Although I’ve never experienced Post Partum Depression, I can totally understand the overwhelming feeling of not being in control. Sometimes we feel like the world’s worst mother. When it gets to this point we could quite easily walk out the door…
We all know those perfect families who live next door. The ones where the children are always impeccably behaved. Never a tantrum or pouty face in sight. I guess that just adds fuel to the fire. How have I gone wrong, what do I need to do to be that perfect parent, with perfect children in a perfect house?
Well, let me tell you something, this mama right here has had those days… when all I wanted to do was close by bedroom door, crawl under the duvet and cry. And yes… Just CRY!
Cry for my kids that are playing up, cry for my house that never seems to be clean, cry for the moments of utter exhaustion and frustration, when lifting my hand would be far easier than a gentle conversation. Cry for feeling like I have failed my husband and children by becoming the Wicked Witch of the West. Cry for not knowing how to have more patience, and cry for not knowing what has become of ME!?
This is when motherhood just seems to be too much!
So how do we survive? Well, we remember those moments that are so incredibly special to us. The ones that remind us of why we CHOSE to be mothers. The moments I referred to in the opening few lines of this post. That first look into our baby’s eyes. The first smile, cuddle, kiss, tooth, word, step, the first day at school, the first concert, the first time we hear “I love you Mommy”. Because they won’t just be firsts… They will be forever’s.
So in those dark days when we don’t feel like we can carry on. When we are suffocating under the pillow of motherhood. Those are the days when we have to push ourselves to remember; to feel, and to know, that no matter how much we may feel like we are falling a part , that little person loves us so deeply and unconditionally that it doesn’t matter if we have a bad day. They will always hold our hand, kiss us goodnight and say… “I love you Mommy.”
THEY are the reason why we pull through. They are the reason we sometimes need to say sorry, and they are the reason why we live.